The Unique Child

*Schemas for Parents Booklet 2021 v01 (kidsdawntildusk.co.uk) Size: 405KB File format: pdf

*Child won't say sorry? Don't use force, try this instead — mellownest.

Sharing and taking turns – ensure that you are using developmentally appropriate strategies for the child

• Engage in Ready Steady Go games with the child – see CambsEYC - Ready Steady Go* for more details.* Size: 226KB File format: pdf.
• Look for natural opportunities to model and build language around turn-taking and sharing during play.
• Develop natural turn-taking opportunities, such as throwing a ball backwards and forwards, or pushing a car back to a child who has pushed it towards you.
• Develop the child’s language and understanding of first and then – “first it’s my turn, then it’s your turn” – see CambsEYC - First Then Board* if children don’t yet understand first and then. *Size: 212KB File format: pdf.
• Practice turn-taking with an adult before building up to turn-taking with another child, then two other children, then a group.
• Offer children a limited choice as an alternative – “Harry is playing with the green car; would you like the red car or the blue car?”
• Give warnings before being asked to give their toy to another child, for example, use a sand timer as a visual warning that the child will need to share the toy.
• Role-play sharing with the child at times throughout the day, providing them with the language needed and the strategies. Play activities that only require a short waiting time, for example, cars down a ramp, rolling a ball to each other, and building a tower together. If a child is struggling to share with an adult, give them two turns for your one turn.
• Provide visual cards to support children with their communication and ensure their appropriate use is taught. Language to be shared with all staff and parents/carers, includes:
  • Simple: Stop. Wait. My turn. Your turn.
  • More complex: I’m waiting for my turn. Let’s use the timer. In a moment. Can I have a turn/can I have a go? It’s my turn now.
• Explicitly teach the skills of waiting and stopping within play. The wait should be very short, just a few seconds, and you can gradually increase the wait time as the child begins to trust that the item will be returned. This may include the use of visuals, as in the previous point.
• Teach children to understand that some people have special objects or toys they need to have with them that are not for sharing, and that it is okay to say they don’t want to share. Acknowledging their special objects are special to them helps them to build trust with adults and other children and enables them to feel seen and heard. Equity rather than equality is important – not all children will need to have special objects with them, but those who do need to feel respected and to belong.

Remember, there are three stages to turn-taking that increase in complexity for a child. Consider what stage the child is and adjust your expectations accordingly.

1. Exchanging the same object,
2. Exchanging for a different object, for example, it may be a different colour/size at first,
3. Sharing or turn-taking with a single object.

• Provide a clearly marked calm space or ‘self-regulation station’ where the child can go to calm down. Introduce it as a place to regulate, so children do not see it as a punishment to go there. Include resources that you teach them to use when they are in a calm state, such as Fidget toys, weighted cushions, noise-reducing headphones, Visual calming strategies/mindfulness techniques that they can choose to follow, for example, smell the flower, blow out the candle, counting, squeezing a pillow, getting a drink, and so forth. Ensure children know this is a quiet place to be and that when they are in this space, they are also quiet. Consider bringing natural resources into that space with plants, natural materials, images of nature, a woodland soundtrack playing quietly, and so forth.
• When they are calm, teach coping strategies by role-playing how they might regulate themselves. Get the child to identify what they think might work for them and create a personal visual poster for them. Rehearse these strategies repeatedly.
• After a child has calmed down from being dysregulated, have a debrief. If possible, ask them how it felt, label what you saw happened to them physically, reflect what you guess they were feeling and the reasons why ‘I’m guessing you were feeling angry because you were asked to come in from the garden’. Ask them what could have helped and factor it in next time. Perhaps running round the garden one last time might help next time. Offer them alternative strategies, language and actions they could use for example ‘Next time you could ask the adult for ‘One more run around the garden’ or ‘Jumping up and down usually helps you when you feel angry, you could try that’ or ‘When the five minute timer is turned over, think about the last activity you would like to do outside’.
• Model your private speech. Describe what is going on in your head when something has happened: “I was thinking that I might use the black block, but someone else had that, so instead of taking it from there I just found a brown one which is almost the same…”. Children can pick up on the language and the process of thinking that you are going through. 
  • Build in sensory breaks throughout the routine, not just after dysregulation.
  • If you have a child who is regularly in a high arousal state, provide somewhere where they can be physically. Consider an exercise bike, a yoga mat with yoga poses, prompt cards, a sensory swing, and so forth.
  • If a child has gone into flight mode and run to hide/move away, if they do not want engagement, try sitting a little away and talk to yourself, providing the language. For example, “If this had happened to me, I would be feeling… and I would use one of these things to help me…”

• We cannot expect children in the EYFS to have fully developed empathy, but we can plan activities and opportunities to support this.
• Model when you are feeling empathetic towards another person, for example, “I’m sorry that your tower fell. I’m guessing you feel sad about that.”
• When the child is feeling an emotion, adults need to guess how they feel and label it: “I guess you are feeling surprised because you thought mummy was picking you up, but it is Gran.” The first step is for children to be able to identify their own emotions.
• Moving on from this, when someone is showing a clear emotion, label it verbally. Adults can use emotion cards or fans to show how they might be feeling. They could also describe how they have worked out that they are feeling that way, “I can see that their face is red, they are crying. I am guessing they are feeling sad.”
• Read stories and use picture books to explore characters' feelings. Ask open-ended questions like, "How do you think the character feels?" or "What would you do if that happened?" to encourage perspective-taking.
• If two children have argued, if possible, try some restorative conversations when they are both calm. This includes: 
  • Talking to both children at the same time.
  • Focus on one simple issue or feeling.
  • Ask just a few questions to both parties, for example, “What happened?”, “How did you feel?”, “What can we do now?”. Avoid asking ‘why’ questions as they are developmentally very difficult to answer. For some children who have limited experiences in talking like this, adults to provide their account of what happened, for example, ‘I think I saw you take the train from him by pushing him over. Is there anything else you would like to tell me?’ Make the recount open without leading questions or statements.
  • Let the child have access to a calming object, for example, a soft toy, a cushion, or a fidget, if needed.
  • Allow non-verbal participation so the child can point to pictures to explain feelings, nod/shake their head or gesture instead of speaking or ask them to draw what happened.
  • Adults should model phrases like “It looks like you were feeling upset,” or “Can we work together to make this better?”

• When playing with/alongside children, model emotional vocabulary, for example, “I feel annoyed because I forgot my lunch today, I guess you are happy because you are smiling and you are jumping up and down, I’m getting cross because you keep taking my spade without asking.”
• Read the best children's books - Emotional Literacy & ELSA booklist on feelings/emotions, labelling the emotions clearly.
• Provide a range of emotional vocabulary, for example, rather than just ‘sad’, use unhappy, disappointed, miserable, blue, down. They all mean something slightly different and might resonate with a child more than ‘sad.’ Break down emotions one at a time using facial expressions and what their body might feel like, for example, “your hands are clenched.” Discuss with them when you might feel that emotion, for example, “when a child has taken your toy without asking.”
• Act out emotional scenarios using puppets or simple scenes. Choose scenarios that have happened for that child recently.
• Provide emotion symbol cards with simple facial expressions and labels that children can independently access to show you how they are feeling, for example, happy, sad, worried, and angry.
• Talking about emotions needs to happen when children are regulated. Plan opportunities to support children’s emotional literacy, such as puppets, feeling cards, whole group discussions, reading books, 1:1 work, and so forth.